I choose me.

For the past 21 years of life I have put other people before myself. My parents, my friends, my significant others, even strangers sometimes, but recently I’ve made the drastic decision that I was going to start choosing myself, and for me that’s easier said than done.

All throughout high school I was in a bad relationship, he cheated on me and I was to blinded by the idea of what I thought was love I never believed anyone or anything. I was never first in his book if we’re being completely honest I was never even second or third. Fast forward a few years and I thought I found a guy who I could see future with, however I was wrong. It was the same ole same ole’ I wasn’t put before his friends, or his alcohol so I let go before it became toxic. Honestly, if you’re wondering why I’m telling you all this random stuff it’s because lately I’ve been struggling with myself, my identity, and my idea of what beauty is.

You see all three of those things were never easy for me in my walk with Christianity as a teen. I was never as skinny as the other girls, or thought i was beautiful as they were and it hindered my relationship with are Father. Even now these are still issues I face on a day to day basis. But recently I found the answer and as simple and stupid as it sounds all you have to do is believe in His word and CHOOSE YOU.

Choose going to church over going out. Choose yourself over a guy, or friends, or frenemies. Choose joy. Choose to love yourself. Choose to laugh more. Choose to workout more. Choose to eat healthier. But whatever you choose make sure it is only for you.

The creator of the Heavens and Earth chose you, loves you, and thinks that you are worthy and beautiful beyond measures. So why is it so hard for us to believe that we aren’t? I hope that starting today you choose yourself, you realize your self worth, and you love yourself just the way you are.

In the meantime I’ll be praying for you, talk to you all soon.

 

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I choose me.

Here’s to you senior year!

Today is the day I’ve dreaded since the day I moved into the University of Alabama in August of 2014, its my first day of my senior year.

As I enter my senior year at the capstone, I am paralyzed with anxiety and I’ve only been to one class. I do not know what I will do after May 6th comes, will I continue grad school here at the capstone? Will I move to Atlanta and get an internship, which will hopefully lead to a new job? Will I disregard everything I ever wanted to do with my life and the Lord will call me to live in a 3rd World Country? As all of these are fears run though my mind as I sit waiting for my next class I reflect on how faithful the Lord has been to me upon this point, and how faithful he will continue to be for the rest of my days.

You see these past three years haven’t always gone the way I always pictured them to go. My high school boyfriend broke up with me three days after moving away to college. I only talk to one of my “best” friends from high school. I was no longer a big dog on campus rather than a person who struggled to make friends. It took me a lot longer to find a community who love and invested in me the way I wish I would’ve been love and invested in my first semester of college. I got diagnosed with clinical anxiety, which at one point led me to be depressed.

But despite it all, the Lord proved faithful.

If it wouldn’t have been for Him, I don’t think I would’ve stayed at the capstone. I wouldn’t have made a friend who brought me closer to Him than I could’ve ever imagined. I wouldn’t have found a church home in which I feel like I belong. so…

WHY AM I BEING SO ANXIOUS WHEN I KMOW THE LORD PROVIDES?

It seems so simple. He’s never abdoned me up until this point why whould he start now?

The answer is I am child who is prone to wander. I like thinking I am in charge of my own life and that I am the master of my own fate, but that is a lie. Who am I but not a steward of the Lord? Shall I cast all my anxiety upon the Lord and he will provide, but it is so much easier said than done.

As I enter my senior year at the greatest university in the USA I am thankful, I am excited, I am anxious, I am scared, but most importantly I am a blessed. I know that the at the end of it all the Lord will provide and that will be enough.

So this one is for you senior year, may you be the best and most challenging yet. But most importantly let me never lose sight of the thing that is most important! Can’t wait to see what comes after this whirlwind of a ride, but I can’t wait to keep you all updated.

xoxo

K🖤

Here’s to you senior year!

When God’s plans are a little different…

If you are anything like me at the age of 13 you sat down with your best friends and you planned out your entire life. For me it was get into a serious relationship in high school, get into my dream college, get engaged by 22, to my high school sweetheart of course, get married by 24, and start having kids by 26. I could go into further detail if you’d like but that might get a little boring. At 18 I had the first two steps done, and I thought my life was going to play out the way I always believed it would.

My HS boyfriend broke up with me only a day after moving away to college, and not a single guy has showed interest in me sense. So here I am a month shy of my 21st birthday with a completely different ideology for my future. I am wanting to go to the deepest parts of Uganda and work in an orphanage for six months after I graduate. I want to take the other six months to travel the world, ALONE. I want to come back to the States, move to Atlanta, and further my education in hopes of pursuing my dream job. I still want to get married by like 26 at the latest, but I’m open to negation. The moral of this story is how God completely turned my life upside down

  • I came to college and got DUMPED.
  • I got dumped and got diagnosed with anxiety and depression
  • I almost failed out of college because of those two things.

BUT THEN

  • I went and got a cute new haircut and a dog.
  • I made a friend, whom brought me closer to the Lord than I ever was
  • I changed my major, because it wasn’t making me happy.
  • I got my grades up, and I made a lot of new friends

Basically what I am saying is that 13 year old you did not know anything.  It’s okay to not know what your major is. What tomorrow holds. What your future holds. Or even what you eat for dinner tonight. It’s okay to cancel plans with your friends, and have a bubble bath. Its okay to give God the pen, to let Him write out our story the way He planned, because it is far greater than anything we could ever come up with for ourselves. Remember it. Believe it. & find peace within it.

Go in Grace, and Peace, and love to serve the Lord my friends.

When God’s plans are a little different…

What a weird time to be alive.

IMG_3785.PNGLast night we learned who will be the 45th president of the great United States of America, throughout the course of the past 24 hours I have seen/heard more hatred then I have in my entire 21 years, and that terrifies me.

As a Christian millennial, I was pretty torn between who to vote for/ do I even vote at all. I won’t go further into whom I voted for, that doesn’t matter. What matters is were do we as a nation go from here?

We must one remember the most important thing-  GOD IS IN CONTROL. No matter who is in office as president, God is still King. He is still the ruler and he is in control.

We must remember that LOVE WILL ALWAYS WIN- we must love one another despite there ethnicity, gender, socio-economic status, or LGBTQ status because that’s what He would want. Love is love.

Lastly we must remember HATE IS NOT THE ANSWER- it goes hand in hand with love will always win. But we should not allow the next POTUS to drive a deeper divide in our country. We must not let this become a race thing.

All in all we must come together now more than ever. Make everyone remember that we live in the greatest democracy in the world. That we WILL BECOME a more unified America.  The next four years will be some of the most interesting years of our lives. For some these next four years determine your children’s lives, your futures, your grandchildrens futures.

I’ll end this with saying congratulations , Donald Trump, the next president of the United States. And way to go, Hillary Clinton, a fierce opponent whom fought her way to the end.

I as millennial am putting my future in your hands, but remembering that’s God is in control. With that being said, WHAT A WEIRD TIME TO BE ALIVE.

What a weird time to be alive.

the journey to self-love.

My sister is a huge advocate of positive body image and self love, and recently she has made it her personal agenda to make me open up about my self issues. So here is something a little more personal and a lot harder for me to write…

For 10 years now I have faced severe self issues, it all came around the age of 11. These things may have stemmed from the fact I hit puberty earlier than most girls. This might have come from the fact I had a wonky shoulder from a birth defect, or weighed at least 30 lbs more than the average girl. It might’ve been because I was wasn’t a single ethnicity and none of my friends understood how I had two white parents but I wasn’t white. It might’ve been because my hair was way curlier than anyone else’s. and that was just the beginning.

When I was 14 I met a guy that I really liked. We became really good friends and soon enough we started dating. He told me how beautiful I was, and just did things that made me feel like he cared. He took away many issues I had been struggling with for 5 years. By age 16 I thought I found the guy I was going to marry, however things took an awful turn. I soon found out he was cheating on me, and I blamed myself. I told myself that it was because I wasn’t giving it up , I wasn’t as skinny as the other girls, or as pretty as them. He told me I was never going to find anyone who loved me the way he did, and I believed him. We continued dating for two more years. For two years I heard how unworthy I was, and how he was the only guy who’d ever love me.

Soon after I left for college, he broke up with me. I was heartbroken. I wondered if any guy would ever show me any attention at all. No one did. Which made me believe everything he’d ever said to be true. So I started doing things I’m not proud of, all in the name of self love. For 6 months I was so depressed and anxious about the way I looked, why I hadn’t made a group in college, or just with my grades in general that I almost dropped out of college and moved back home. But one day I sat in my friends room, and I cried. I told her all the things I had been facing and she looked at me and told me I was beautiful, she told me about how precious I was to Jesus and my family and her, and in the moment I had never felt so loved. (I grew up in a Christian home, so I always knew Jesus loved me, but something about that conversation stuck with me) So as I walked back to my dorm, I decided I wanted to change my life and the way I viewed things.

Two years later, i still struggle everyday. I fear rejection more than anything (although I got hardcore friend zoned this week and didn’t cry about it, or question my beauty ). But I know my worth. I know how much my friends and family love me. I know how much Jesus loves me, and how much time he spent in sculpting me and how can I not think I’m beautiful if the Creator of the Universe thinks I am? I’m not telling you the journey to self love is easy, but one day it’ll all be worth it!

“You are altogether beautiful my love, there is no flaw in you.”

-Song of Solomon 4:7 ❤️

the journey to self-love.

All this too shall pass.

It’s almost here guys- the weekend.  Over the course of this week my anxiety has gotten the best of me. and tbh I’ve spent the majority of the week hating myself, and wondering why I was not good enough. I have a playlist on Spotify called “feels.” and I’ve done nothing but listen to it for the past three nights. One night as I was laying my bed listening to this playlist, letting a million different thoughts consume me, Gale Song by the Lumineers came on.

“All this too shall pass

This loneliness won’t last for long

This one line spoke to me on so many different levels.

All this too shall pass:

Everything I am facing right now- my lack of self-confidence (and why the boy I like has no idea, and likes someone else), remembering how loved I am, and all the stress of school will all be soon over. This is the same for whatever problems that you are facing as well. It will all pass, and I can’t help but believe that once all of these things are over, God is going to give us something amazing.

This loneliness won’t last for long:

            For me this is something that I should probably get tattooed to my body so I won’t forget it. Loneliness is my biggest fear. I’m afraid I will never find a guy who loves me and I’m going to die alone. I feel like I’m a constant annoyance to my friends and family, so I hold everything in and I find the isolation often consumes me. But they remind us in this song that the loneliness won’t last forever, and for me there is so much peace with knowing that.

God has so many plans for our lives, yet we let fear, anxiety, and depression consume us. We try to be the storyteller of our own lives and we forget that are pages have already been written, and numbered. So if you’re struggling with anything right now I just want you to know that you are not alone. I’ll leave you not with a question like I usually do but with a prayer:

Today, I pray that you all find peace within yourselves and your current situations,

I pray that you remember that no matter what you are going through

that it too shall pass.

If you are lonely, sad, feeling unworthy, or unloved

you remember you won’t feel like this forever.

I pray you remember that your Heavenly father loves you,

the same God who knows the number of stars in the sky knows you.

and that you remember whatever you ask in His name He will give to you!

P.S. If you’re looking for a cool band to listen to, I’d highly recommend the Lumineers and I’m sure about 10/10 other people would too!

All this too shall pass.

I’ve never been one for goodbyes.

I haven’t wrote in a little while, because I was trying to enjoy my last few weeks of summer. However, now I have so much to say. Two months ago my best friend decided he was tired of this town and he was going to move to California. Two days ago he boarded his flight from ATL to LAX, and I realized goodbyes suck.

You see I’ve never been one for goodbyes. I think they’re to cliché. You meet someone—you fall in love with them (whether it be there personality, there friendship, or a relationship since)—and then in some sort of shape they leave you, you have to say goodbye, and you become super torn up about it. I feel like goodbyes are other people’s way of taking the easy way out, therefore, I refuse to say the word goodbye.

It’s always more of an until next time.

  • Whether it’s one of your best friends who moved 1,759 miles away—and you’re planning an epic reunion in NYC for your 21st birthdays.
  • Whether it’s your first love and you haven’t seen them since HS/college—and 10 years later you meet them in the grocery store and you get to catch up for a few moments, and in that moment everything is right in the world.
  • Whether it be someone that you lost— and whenever your time comes they’re waiting for you at the gates of Heaven with open arms. {This is personally my favorite to envision}

I think of it in a way that God has never said goodbye to me, after so many times of me failing him, he remains faithful. God has never said because you have strayed away I am going to stray away from you, and for me that’s where it all comes from. God loves us so much that he cannot say goodbye, and in that sense I am much like God.

Goodbyes are hard, and unnecessary. I may be too hopeful or naïve, but as long as I am alive I will always believe that there will be a next time.

I’ve never been one for goodbyes.